Experts weigh in on saying ‘no’ to gift giving this holiday season

By Julianna Bragg, CNN

(CNN) — Early on in their 6-year relationship, Alex Blumenthaler and his partner exchanged gifts for many holidays.

However, as the couple grew closer, it became increasingly difficult for the pair to find meaningful gifts that would truly surprise the other without asking directly, which took away the surprise and their joy of gifting. They also grew frustrated with the excessive consumerism they witnessed around the holidays.

Over time, the 30-year-old software developer and his girlfriend, who are based in Atlanta, started to realize that they valued quality time far more than material items.

“We prioritize saving money for experiences while limiting the number of gifts we get for each other,” Blumenthaler said.

The couple decided to forgo Christmas gifts altogether last year, choosing to give each other the gift of a weekend getaway to another part of the state.

“The memories we made were the perfect gift we gave to ourselves, and we might just take the same trip again this year,” he said.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by gift giving this holiday season, adopting Blumenthaler’s approach of eliminating or even limiting gift exchanges in favor of shared experiences might help create new holiday traditions.

The problem with obligatory gift giving

People give gifts for three main reasons: to bring joy to the recipient, to feel good about themselves and to express a certain level of intimacy, according to Morgan Ward, assistant professor of marketing at Emory University’s Goizueta Business School in Atlanta.

But gift giving doesn’t always create the desired outcome for the giver and recipient.

The act of gift giving — especially beyond your circle of close family and friends — can be a source of stress, whether it’s for financial reasons or the challenge of choosing something you’re sure the recipient will enjoy.

Some people have eliminated gift giving entirely, shifting their focus to shared experiences such as traveling, donating to charitable organizations or both.

As families grow from two married adults to larger households with multiple children, others have reduced their circle of giving. Some limit their gifting to only immediate family members or to children or set up a gift exchange where adults pick another adult’s name out of a hat.

“Cutting down your gift-giving list can make the holidays less stressful when the tradition has become an obligation rather than a joyful experience,” said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas, via email.

And for those who value emotional connection more than material exchanges, gift giving might not always feel like the right choice. “There are reasons that people could say no to gift giving that help us refocus on the relationships,” Ward said. And if you lack a close bond with the person you’re buying gifts for, continuing the tradition can be draining.

The act of exchanging gifts can feel like it’s more about adhering to holiday customs than meaningful gestures. But if you want to make a change, it’s possible it will be welcomed.

“Many people want to skip the gift giving among certain groups but are waiting for someone to make the first move,” Gottsman said.

Here’s how to start.

Gracefully opting out

Navigating the discomfort of setting boundaries around gift-giving traditions can be challenging. But approaching the conversation with kindness and openness can help others to better understand your perspective.

“Being upfront and honest and suggesting to your friends that everyone skips the gift-giving ceremony and have a small or large celebration, honoring the friendship, instead is perfectly understandable,” Gottsman said.

When initiating these conversations, it may be easier to explain your reasoning for wanting to make a change. “You can talk to people about the way you connect and (explain) the way you connect is not through physical objects,” Ward said.

For those who still value gift giving, referencing the different love languages can be a thoughtful way to broach the topic. “If we both acknowledge that we show love in different ways, it’s OK for you to buy me something and for me to give you the thing that’s connecting to me, like love or service,” Ward said.

It’s important to remember that when it comes to honoring the upholding of the new approach, you can only control your own actions.

If someone brings a gift despite agreeing not to exchange presents this year, Gottsman emphasizes there is no need to feel guilty if you have honored the arrangement.

However, in such situations, Ward encourages people to accept the gift graciously and acknowledge the gift giver for their thoughtfulness, which is rewarding on both sides.

Encouraging a new perspective

If you’re ready to reshape your gift-giving traditions this season, consider inspiring others to explore other meaningful ways to connect. And if you’re looking to strengthen your connections, offering to spend quality time with someone is a great place to start.

“(Time) is the ultimate signal of your connection with someone,” Ward said. Ideas to replace gift giving can be as simple as reaching out to grab a coffee and engage in a few hours of open discussion.

Other thoughtful gestures could include crafting handmade items, printing a photo that captures your bond or any action that demonstrates time and effort, Ward said. If you’re looking to tap into your creative side, consider making a coupon book with personalized activities, preparing a homecooked meal or even offering to wash someone’s car.

However, if you’re looking to transition to no-spend gift ideas this holiday season, it’s important to set clear expectations beforehand to avoid uncomfortable misunderstandings or hurt feelings during the exchange.

Especially in a time when people are feeling lonely and lacking deeper connections, words matter. “Research says accompanying a holiday gift with a letter that talks about the relationship can be equally or more rewarding than just giving a gift,” Ward said.

Handling different family dynamics around gift giving may require some flexibility and acceptance. “We have to navigate people’s traditions that feel compatible with our values,” Ward said.

For those families who consider gift giving a nonnegotiable aspect of the holidays, Ward encourages people to buy something small to avoid confrontations.

“During holidays when there is a big expectation of gifts, people tend to be really accepting that you’re acting in accordance with their expectations.”

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