Use positive reinforcement instead of threats for your child’s misbehavior, experts say

By Julianna Bragg, CNN

(CNN) — If your child is riding the line between naughty and nice this holiday season, it may be tempting to use the impending threat of Santa withholding gifts as leverage to curb bad behavior.

One in 4 parents of preschool-age children have used Santa or the threat of no gifts to address misbehavior, according to a new C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health released on Monday.

“It can be a challenge for parents to know the best ways to handle discipline issues, so we wanted to explore their approaches (to see) where they get resources from to help them make decisions about disciplining young children,” said Dr. Susan Woolford, Mott Poll codirector and pediatrician at the University of Michigan Health in Ann Arbor.

The Mott Poll, conducted in August, surveyed 725 parents who have at least one child aged 1 to 5 years old. The margin of error is plus or minus 1 to 6 percentage points.

More than half of the parents polled said they sometimes have used incentives or bribery to encourage good behavior.

Experts warn that both threats and bribes can backfire, encouraging further misbehavior and causing stress for young kids, according to Dr. Michelle Janning, professor of sociology at Whitman College in Washington state.

“Even 5-year-olds look at each other in terms of what cool things they have, and if you don’t get them a present you said you would, it creates a real threat (in the minds of children) in (a) society where kids scrutinize each other,” Janning said.

Troubles with consistent discipline

Although half of parents polled said they are consistent with disciplining their children, others face challenges in establishing a routine. These difficulties stem from different factors, including their child being too young to comprehend the discipline, the fear of public breakdowns or finding that their strategies just aren’t working.

Thirty-one percent of respondents are apprehensive about disciplining their children in public for fear of tantrums, a concern that Janning suggested may be amplified by the growing concern of negative judgment on social media.

“There’s a different kind of audience assumption about who is watching you and whether it will be scrutinized in a certain way … in all of the reels and TikTok videos of parents doing things to their kids,” Janning said.

It’s important for parents to stick to their planned strategies in these situations, Woolford said. “I think parents would be really surprised at how much empathy they might get from others in a store who could recall when they had to deal with such a situation,” she said.

Parents can also avoid public outings when children are tired or hungry, or when parents are feeling drained to avoid unnecessary frustrations.

Still, Woolford explained that consequences need to be consistent and directly related to the behavior so children can easily understand the connection between the two factors.

Woolford also recommended that parents not use threats to fix misbehavior. “Threats don’t work very well because, in general, parents tend to not follow through with them, and then they lose credibility,” she said, “and children learn there really won’t be any consequence.”

Instead, she encouraged parents to practice positive reinforcement when their child exhibits desired behaviors while also being specific about the actions with which you’re satisfied.

“Rather than saying, ‘Oh, what a good girl,’ you want to say, ‘Wow, that’s so good how you helped Mom pick up the toys,’” Woolford said.

Using specific statements will help children recognize which behaviors you want them to repeat, encouraging them to continue performing those actions to receive more praise.

In addition to words of affirmation, some parents may use rewards as reinforcement. However, if you’re considering this route, Woolford encouraged parents to be careful with the types of incentives they use. For instance, food-related incentives such as candy can create unhealthy associations.

“We really don’t recommend using food as a reward or threat to take it away because, in the long term, it’s often associated with having a poor relationship with food,” Woolford said.

As an alternative, Woolford recommended using natural rewards from activities that your child already enjoys such as more reading time.

Finding your discipline style

Even when parents choose to discipline their children, many are unsure if their methods are effective. Almost 40% of parents believe their techniques are highly successful, while 57% feel they’re only somewhat effective, according to the survey.

The discipline strategies parents choose will also vary greatly with age.

For young children, especially around the age of 1 year, Woolford recommended redirecting them from dangerous behaviors such as touching electrical outlets by offering them a toy or another activity since they may not yet understand why their behavior is inappropriate.

Most parents polled said they’ve turned to a variety of sources for guidance, including family, friends and the child’s other parent, or sought information from parenting books, social media and online articles.

Still, one in 8 parents said they haven’t even thought about the discipline strategies they use with their children, and 42% of parents admit to sometimes spanking their child, a strategy that experts do not recommend.

Many parents are under an immense amount of stress, balancing concerns about time and money, making it difficult to develop new strategies for certain overwhelming behaviors, according to Janning.

For those parents needing extra help, Woolford recommended consulting with your child’s primary care doctor or utilizing the American Academy of Pediatrics parenting site.

“Pediatricians are a good resource, even when someone is just thinking about what their (discipline) plan would be,” Woolford said, “not just when problems.”

Janning also advised parents to follow their instincts and adapt their approaches based on their unique family needs.

“Parents should go easier on themselves and stop shaming each other because it’s a hard enough job as is,” she said.

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